mercoledì 1 agosto 2007
Semantics and gayness
(subtitled: actual semi-philosophical deep post for once *gasps*)Okay. I've been thinking about this for some time now, and I've decided to post about it. I have a question.How, exactly, does one know when one is gay?Like, if you reeeallly reeeaaallly like guys a lot, and think about them most of the time, but you sorta kinda occasionally have a thing for certain girls too . . . does that mean you're bisexual? Gay? Straight? Confused? (All of the above?)I keep going around and around about this, and I convince myself I've figured this out about myself, and then something happens to confuse me all over again.The deal is, I like guys. There is no doubt about that. I can spend inordinate amounts of time staring at pictures of them, and have been known to buy men's magazines on the basis of them being on the front cover. (*coughcough*Viggo Mortensen*coughcough*) I've been boy-crazy most of my life, always having a crush on somebody (until I got out of high school and realized there was a bit more to life, that is). I like watching Diego Luna gyrate on the Havana Nights trailer, and I strongly suspect that Pirates of the Caribbean would not be quite such a favorite were it not for Johnny, Jack, and Orlando, respectively.But. Occasionally, I find myself infatuated with particular women in movies. Parminder Nagra is one--I think she's just beautiful. I loved Bend It Like Beckham because of her, and I was excited when I found out she was in Ella Enchanted. (Incidentally, John Rhys-Meyers is hot in that as well, but while I like Keira Knightley as an actress, she doesn't do much for me. . . see my problem?) Also, there's a rather terrible Kirsten Dunst movie called Deeply that has this beautiful girl in it, who is sort of sad and exotic, and I'm fascinated by her. She's what I want to be. And . . . if I were ever to kiss a girl, she's the only one I wouldn't say "hell no" to. Jesus, confession time.Does that make me gay? Come on, Flist, help me out. (and anyone else who happens to be reading, of course). Whether you're gay, bisexual or straight, how did you know you were that particular orientation? I've heard from several people that they knew from a very young age, and I was definitely straight growing up. Then I started reading slash and now I'm all confused. Crap. If I was a man I'd just be gay and leave it at that.Summary: I definitely like men, but I'm starting to wonder if I like women too. Therefore, crisis. Help please.*waits for comments*
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Well, I don't think anyone can tell you what orientation you are, y'know, but I decided to comment 'cause I remember having this issue when I was like, 18-19 a lot... and I still sort of have it. I'm just a wibbly person, so I keep going back and forth.What it comes down to, I think, is that there's such a thing as a "Kinsey Scale"-- in that there's a spectrum from homo to heterosexuality and people fall here and there-- rarely all the way at either end-- and sometimes smack in the middle (meaning, some people like girls & boys exactly equally, in theory).Sexuality is a tricky thing. People go through phases-- sometimes people like one more than the other, and then they steady out at some point, and then they change gears again. It's kinda dependent on... circumstances-- moods-- what people you meet. Just about anything.There's no one 'straight' answer, heh heh. If I had to take a guess, I'd say you sound like you're mostly on the hetero end of the spectrum. This means that you'll have 'impulses' occasionally, but they seem rather tentative and theoretical in nature; mostly appreciating girls aesthetically (which isn't exactly hetero but isn't necessarily homosexual either-- it's just kind of... uh... preslash, if you will). The other thing is that one can 'like' or appreciate bodies of one's own gender without ever a) acting on it; b) seriously wanting to; c) being homosexual. Even acting on one's desire/attraction wouldn't necessarily be homosexual if you don't choose to live that life. It -is- a choice as much as it is a biological inclination-- much as one's intelligence is circumstantial as much as inborn, I think.For instance, there's the way 'straight' men have sex in prisons or during wartime. Circumstance has a lot to do with it, and human beings will, in fact, have flashes to attraction to a nice body no matter what form that body takes. Some people just take advantage of these flashes 'cause they're desperate or horny or whatever.I think a better marker of overall 'orientation' isn't one's flashes of sexual attraction but rather the people you fall for-- have romantic feelings for. It's not about who you check out or think you could kiss (kissing people of one's own gender isn't that shocking-- a lot of people do it just to experiment and it never leads to anything). It's more about who you want in a more full-rounded way-- who you want 'that way' in every way, I guess.I also think that trying to define yourself rigidly into any one label is only frustrating 'cause you're always going to have -some- lapses. Anyway, slight (hypothetical!) experimentation is definitely within the range of 'hetero normality', if that worries you :> :>
After I thought about it, I decided I was mostly hetero as well, since I seem to get the strongest visceral reactions from men and almost none for women. I guess I was just worried about missing a bit of myself if I never confronted the possibility.Wibbly and preslash . . . yes, that does sound like me. -_-Thanks for commenting, BTW, I was beginning to feel unloved.
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